Mission incomplete: Why I'm such a failure
To fail publicly is actually pretty iconic, and why I would do it again and again
You may recall that I did a big reveal on my Instagram a few weeks ago. I was launching a new content series ding ding ding!
What could possibly go wrong?
The series was called Deep Dive, where I went onto the streets of London and got under the surface with the public by interviewing them about ‘’deep’’ topics whilst being in a swimsuit.
A-ha! Get it? Smart innit. Ta babes!
It had the ready-made recipe for a great digital content series…
Visual cue: check – I was in a swimsuit in the middle of central London. What's more outrageous than that?
Tagline: ‘’hello icons’’
Duration: less than 1 minute – oofft perfect for our attention deficit economy? Super on brand.
I worked hard on it, I also spent a lot of money on it. I was working with an amazing editor who believed in the project and we had a BALL shooting it whilst being in our swimsuits and being stared at and applauded for being so ‘’badass’’.
The first episode dropped, lots of shares, lots of love, I was called ‘’brave’’, ‘’iconic’’ all those good things…
But I felt like shit.
We released the second episode, and I assumed this sickly shitty feeling I had would disappear, it’s out there now! ‘’Nothing to fear now Jack!’’
Ok, it could just be nerves so let’s move through it Jackie, and I posted.
The feeling was still there, this uncertainty that it wasn’t what I should be doing.
It was suffocating me, so I decided to do what I knew best.
I sat down and asked myself:
‘’What the hell would a 1998 Geri Halliwell do?’’.
I mean, she went into hiding at George Michael’s house, so whilst I didn't have that luxury I did happen to be in the South of France at the time, so I put my phone on airplane mode, went for a dip, had some wine, saw some amazing bands, went to bed, woke up and did what a 1998 Geri Halliwell would do: I texted my editor that I had quit. I had quit my own project that I hyped up last week. Unbelievable. I spent so much time, money, and energy on two and a half episodes, coming up with crazy concepts, I hard launched it everywhere and it was over. Embarrassing.
What a non-starter,
What a flop,
What a failure,
…but God tell me why it felt so good.
It felt great to be a flop and a failure on this, for the first time I gave myself permission to say no to something that I felt wasn’t me. Chaotic maybe, but it felt right.
After I made the quick decision, days later relief, clarity and hindsight came running like children after their mum when she gets through the door from work.
It soon clicked what that shitty feeling was.
I didn’t know my ‘’why’’.
I didn’t want to make a decision based on fear, I wanted to make a decision based on what was true for me like Michaela Coel said in her Vogue cover last year after I May Destroy You aired:
“There was the assumption that there is a window now and you have to capitalize on it. And when I hear that, it sounds like the root is fear, because the assumption is the window is going to close. And I don’t feel comfortable making decisions based on fear”.
I’m sure my lovely agent Lorna was thinking ‘’What on earth is going here?’’ when I told her.
I’m not one to quit anything usually, but this was necessary. If you quit something halfway through, be it a job, project, or relationship, there can be this niggling fear you don’t come across as a serious person or you’re not resilient enough. You may think ‘’If only I held on enough, things would get better’’, but maybe our better is the here and now, after quitting.
Oh and by the way, my better? Is this Substack.
You have permission to pull the plug on your own projects that don’t feel like they are you. Even if you launched it this morning. You’re not problematic or scatty, if anything you’re smart and brave. Why waste time, money, and energy on something that doesn’t feel like life?
Lady Gaga said in her 2015 speech at Yale University, when she spoke about pulling the plug on things she felt were required of her as an artist, and saying no. She said:
And so, this is me, I can look in the mirror and be proud of myself for following my gut.
My failure is actually a badge of courage. I’m a bloody bold failure, and I kinda freaking love it.
Here are some questions for you to ask yourself when you're about to embark on a new personal project:
What is your body vibration saying? Are your gut and your mind beefing? Does it feel good in your body? Listen to it.
Does it fit on your value list ( for e.g. mine is: is it meaningful and important to you)?
Will this enlarge or diminish me? Is it adding? Or is it taking away?
Why are you doing this? Who is this for?
Are you trying to do what's interesting? Or what’s interesting to you?
Never forget that being who you are is your artistry, and with things, we say yes to, we know it's right because it’s a feeling. Remember that feeling.
Living according to your intuitions is a beautiful way to live, and remember if Geri didn’t quit the Spice Girls we wouldn’t have had the best-selling number one of 2001 Bag it up and experienced her coming out of a giant vulva at The Brits… Gosh, how sad would that be for me, the gays, and they’s indeed.
See….quitting makes you pretty iconic!
Now, how's that for a handful?
Jackie x
More Than Handful Recommendations:
Where I recommend celebrities, artists, creatives to inspire you who keep showing the world that they’re a handful and expressing themselves and living life on nobody’s terms but their own <3
To read: Donald Glover interviewing Donald lover - interview magazine - Donald Glover, creator of Atlanta interviewing himself for Interview magazine in 2022. It is a timeless, chaotic, and pretty fascinating read, he’s literally talking to himself! He talks about modeling his career off Willy Wonka, ‘’You have your factory, you make something, put it out, and then close shop to the public for a while’’.
To watch: Wham! On Netflix.
Absolutely amazing incredible documentary exploring their rise to superstardom. Everything from how they carried themselves on stage, to their energy, their flow, their distinctive style that cannot be replicated.
To listen: British Nigerian South London rapper Enny’s 6-song EP called Here we go again. I saw her again at the Womad Festival last weekend and she was incredible. She’s also Nigerian, and has ginger hair, so I’m definitely biased. My favourite track is: Take it Slow with Loyle Carner.
Can’t stop thinking about:
Believe In Magic podcast - this 7 part BBC Sounds podcast is bingeable, mouth open, shocking stuff. I’m not even a true crime girlie, but I demolished this in a day. This story of Meghan Bhari, a 16-year-old girl who is raising thousands of pounds for her brain tumour operation with the help of One Direction and David Cameron, but then people suspect she’s lying when a private investigator takes pics of her when she’s coming out of Disney world with her mum looking well… not like she’s suffering from a brain tumour.
The twists and turns are out of this world. Thank me later!